A Little Too Late

(This entry is a finalist in our Good, Bad, and Funny honeymoon story contest.  There are 16 stories, please vote for our winner by adding a comment to your favorite.)

My wife and I will have been married for 8 years in November.  Our honeymoon started off at the Anniversary Inn in Salt Lake.  It was a very beautiful room and we very much enjoyed our stay there.  The next day we boarded a plane for California.  My wife had never been, so I thought it’d be fun to take her there.

A friend of mine told me about a place that you can rent.  To get to this place you have to take a ferry.  We stayed two nights there, but the first night we got into a huge fight and I ended up sleeping on the couch for most of it.  However, that was just the start of our grand honeymoon adventure! 

On the morning of our third day I’d mentioned to my new bride that I hadn’t had a bowel movement since before we were married.  So she offered me HALF of a Dulcolax that she’d brought with her.  I have no idea why she’d had it, but I took it anyways.  This was on the morning that we were to leave the island and ferry back to the main land.  The ferry ride was fun, especially watching the seagulls flying along side the boat.  Just before we drove off the ferry my stomach began to make sounds and rumblings which were reminiscent to that scene in Dumb and Dumber where Harry rushes into the bathroom and finds out that the toilet is broken.

I had a fleeting thought that I should probably use the restroom on the ferry, but decided that I didn’t have time and would take care of things once on the mainland.  So we get in our rental car and drive off the ferry.  Then it hits me, wave after wave of pain is pulsating through my guts and I quickly realize that we were moving rather slowly due to the traffic of cars ahead of us who also had just departed the ferry.  Then I notice that there are only two lanes of traffic and no shoulder, so there’s nowhere to pull off, and even if we did the street was lined with homes.

I finally announce to my wife (who’s driving) that she may want to hurry it up.  She asked why and I informed her of my increasingly volatile situation.  She thought I was joking and informed me that there was nothing she could do to go faster.  I was nearly in tears at this point with no gas station or sign of relief anywhere in sight.

Then it happened!  The walls of Jericho were breached!  My new bride suddenly caught the scent of unhappiness and looked at me and stated, “You didn’t???”  To which I replied most dreadfully, “Uh huh!”  She then did something that I did not expect…  She began laughing hysterically!  This reaction was very bad for me, because it caused me to begin laughing, and as you can imagine, laughter is not an effective way to keep certain things in.  At this point I’m trying to raise myself off the seat of the rental car, laughing and expelling all at the same time.

Just then, we rounded a corner and saw a Chevron sign.  If only we’d gotten there a mere five minutes sooner…  If only…

So my bride goes into the gas station and gets the key, since the restroom was outside the building and I go inside to try and clean up as best I could.  The sad thing is that the restroom seemed to be even grosser than I was at that point.  I did ask my new bride of 2 days to help me clean up, which I thought was a very reasonable request since it was her Dulcolax that had caused the situation in the first place.  However, she replied, “No Way!!!”

While I was trying to clean myself up and dealing with more waves of explosiveness, my bride bought some baby wipes, and unpacked new clothes for me to wear.  I ended up destroying the clothes I’d been wearing and threw them away in the dumpster.  The piece de resistance was the moment that I had to retrieve my watch which has somehow slipped out of my hands and landed with a plop into the not-so-clean toilet.

Now for the funny part of the story, as if you aren’t laughing already…  Little did I know that another traveler had been waiting quite some time for me to come out of the restroom.  I only saw him briefly as I exited, and when I got in the car we saw him immediately exit the restroom and he seemed to be quite upset about something.  We drove away rather quickly ourselves in the hopes of leaving that horrible scene far in the dust!

I wish I could say that was the end of our miserable experience, but it wasn’t.  Later that night after shopping for new clothes for me we found ourselves in one of the worst rainstorms that this area had seen in quite a few years.  Again, my bride was driving and we were attempting to find the exit so we could get to our next destination.  I found the exit and told my wife to exit, which she did.  However, what neither of us knew was that there were two lanes which exited the Highway, and the inside lane (the one we were in) only goes back onto the Highway and the outside lane is the one that actually leaves the Highway.  So now tempers flare as we realize we are back on the Highway and now lost in a horrible rainstorm.  Then to top it all off, my wife realizes that she is coming down with a Urinary Tract Infection and needed to use the “little girl’s room”  A LOT!.  About an hour later we finally find our way to our hotel, but let’s just say, it was a very “unproductive” night.

Our final two nights, we stayed in a little Bed and Breakfast there and apparently we were the only residents for both nights.  That is except for the feeling that we had ghostly neighbors.  The place was FREAKY!  The bed was as hard as a rock and literally felt like they’d placed a board over the springs.  There was a nice big ceramic tub in the bathroom and we were eager to get in and try and relax.  That was until the water that exuded out was a nasty reddish brown rust color and never turned clear!  The shower was the same, but we suffered through the odd smell and color of the water in the hopes to get somewhat clean.

So the Bed part of the stay was less than stellar, so we hoped the Breakfast portion would be better.  Let me start out by saying that my wife has horrible Acid Reflux and wasn’t on any medication at this time.  She also hates bananas and is not a big fan on chocolate either.  So we get down to breakfast and they lay out chocolate and banana crepes with a big tall glass of Orange Juice!  I ended up eating both servings and immediately took my wife to McDonalds for a winning breakfast.

At least on our flight home to Salt Lake the flight attendant lets us sit in First Class since I’d informed her that we were on our Honeymoon.  That was nice, even though the flight was extremely bumpy and my wife was grabbing my arm with a death grip.  Then as we landed they offered us a bottle of Champaign in celebration…  We politely declined.

That was our Honeymoon.  It had it all to be sure!

Leave a Reply